Barbarian Behind the Wheel

This is a postcard story that I’ve been reading round Edmonton as a spoken word piece. Some of the events in this story are true, I think it’s pretty obvious what apsects of this story didn’t actually happen (at least the way it’s written here). I hope you guys enjoy reading this story and there will be many more stories to come:

Road rage always fascinates me. Because of this, I like to perform experiments while I’m driving and I encounter other drivers who suffer from this over-aggression. But most of all, I love to fuck with them too.

I’m driving down baseline road at about 5pm I see at the intersection by the Anthony Henday a large pickup truck with a trailer attached almost drive through a small, gold Cavalier. The Cavalier made it into traffic without any damage, but the large pickup truck wound up stuck at the medium. This was my opportunity, time to fuck with this guy.

I stop in the middle of the road in front of the uncontrolled intersection, stare at the man in the truck, and shrug as if to say “what the fuck is wrong with you?” The driver in the pickup truck is irate. He shakes his fist, screams obscenities, and foams at the mouth like a wild animal.

I continue my drive, when I see the pickup truck shooting up behind me. I have to fuck with him some more. I slow down, from 70, to 60, to 50, to 40 kilometres an hour. I see him as I stare through my rear view mirror. He’s screaming again what looks like a threat that I’d better speed up. Traffic beside us is heavy, there’s no way the truck is getting around my 40 kilometre an hour ass.

Finally, opportunity arises and the truck changes lanes and blasts past me like a shotgun shell. He gives me the finger while he drives by, and I blow him a kiss and laugh. I smile to myself thinking that I really showed that guy. I approach the 17th street intersection and I stop as I see a sight that I would not want to bestow onto my most vile of enemies.

The truck has stopped and is parked sideways to block two lanes of traffic. The driver stands outside, waiting for me. This driver is no man though. He is a Barbarian, standing almost seven feet tall. His muscular form glistened in the sun as he wields his battle-axe ready for a fight. My jaw drops as I see the savage warrior approach my vehicle. His long dark hair flows in the wind as he takes each step closer.

I panic and reach into my backseat, hoping I remembered to bring my broadsword with me before I left my house. My seat is empty and I fear that I am disarmed. I reach underneath my seat and find a katana that a samurai had given me as payment for a lift to Taco Bell one afternoon. I pull the blade from its sheath and test its sharpness. It’s not dull, but it isn’t particularly sharp either. No time to dwell on my blade, though. There’s a battle before me.

I exit my car, stand tall, pull the sheath right off of my blade, and shimmer it in the sun a bit hoping to blind the Barbarian. My efforts are useless as the Barbarian charges towards me and swings his axe. I dive and summersault out of the way. The axe lodges itself into the hood of my car. I stand and prepare my sword for a strike when the Barbarian quickly turns and swings with axe again at me. I dive again and his blade splits the concrete and wedges in. I notice that his swings are undisciplined and flagrant. I stand by my car again and anticipate his next strike.

This strike came quickly after he dislodges his blade from the road. He swings his axe again. I run around the gargantuan beast as he bludgeons his axe into my driver side door.

I stop when I am perfectly behind the Barbarian. He turns and spots me. He steps forward slowly as I step slowly back. I know I have to time this perfect, my fate is now in the hands of the wise Odin. The Barbarian raises his axe, gives off a battle cry, and darts towards with the hardest swing he’s swung yet. I jump out of the way and run back towards my car. The Barbarian stops, confusedly scans the area for a moment, and realizes I got behind him again. He turns and lifts his axe again and takes a step forward only to meet his demise.

The semi-truck’s horn wails as it collides with the Barbarian at full speed. The truck does not slow down, only carries the body of my opponent away.

I watch the truck drive off into the distance and I think about how I defeated a Barbarian without ever touching him. No, it was his own anger and rage that was his undoing.

I turn back to my car to inspect the damages. My engine wasn’t damaged when he hit my hood. I fumble for my keys to unlock the door to my car when I feel the sudden whoosh of a battle-axe fly past my face, just missing the back of my head.

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