Give Me Convenience: A Rhetorical Hyperbole

Cocksucking, motherfucking, piece of goddamn shit!

I can’t fucking believe this! I just spent eight goddamn hours answering phone calls from helpless, useless, mouth-breathing, slack-jawed troglodytes only to be stuck on a road, a single fucking road, for over an hour. It’s like they say: there are only two seasons, fucking winter, and fucking construction.

I can’t believe how much of a mess this road is. I have never seen so many construction sites working on the same damn road at the same damn time. I can’t even drive in a straight fucking line. Veer off here, detour there; this is a major highway, it circles around the whole damn city, why would they have so much goddamn construction during rush hour traffic?

I try to take a few exits as I slowly creep across what’s normally a hundred-plus kilometre an hour zone. But every exit is closed and I wind up completely turned around going nowhere fucking near where I want to be going. I’m gripping my steering wheel until my knuckles go white and I swear to fucking God I’m going to tear it off and beat something to fucking death with it.

I finally find an exit with an overpass that will turn me around and get me going back into the right direction. I merge right between two JACKASSES who barely gave me enough room to fit into and continue through the exit, across the overpass, and down again. This should be clear sailings from here.

I’m back on the highway for not even ten seconds before I come across a bright orange blockade. The thick-blocked black text tells me “Road Closed.” I stop my car, get out, and walk towards it trying to convince myself that it’s only a mirage. My fears are confirmed as two more cars pull up behind me, stop, and their drivers get out with a look of disbelief that I more than understand. Then three more cars, then five more cars, all with the same bewilderment. I look around for a moment, praying to fucking God there’s a detour. Fucking nothing.

My pulse rises and I clench my fists. My palms sweat and I begin to shake. I take two steps forward, my jaw clenched and my eyes squinting. And I scream:

I’M MAD AS HELL AND I’M NOT GOING TO TAKE IT ANYMORE!

I kick over the sign and stomp on it over and fucking over again. I hear voices behind me, all screaming:

I’M MAD AS HELL AND I’M NOT GOING TOT AKE IT ANYMORE!

A sudden rush flashes past me as all the trapped drivers grab whatever scrap of whatever is laying on the torn apart road and start smashing whatever piece of equipment is in front of them.

I grab a piece of broken wood, wield it like a blade and climb onto a bulldozer. I hold my weapon over my head and I call out:

GIVE ME CONVENIENCE OR GIVE ME DEATH!

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